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How to Spot a Vampire
Vampire Style
Vampire Powers
How to Keep a Vampire Away
How to Kill a Vampire
1. To find out if a vampire is living in a particular cemetery, first
choose a child young enough to be a virgin. Seat the child on a virgin
horse of solid color (white is preferred) that has never stumbled. Lead
the horse through tthe cemetery, passing over all the graves. If the
horse refuses to pass over a particular grave, a vampire is lying there.
*Or there is a snake close by*
2. At night in a cemetery, look for a bluish flame glowing above the
vampire's grave. This blue glow represents the vampire's soul.
*Or someone left the Samhain fire burning*
3. Also in the cemetery, look for graves with holes in them, or graves
sporting crooked crosses or tombstones. This is vampire territory.
*Or the cemetery has an animal infestation, imagine THAT*
4. Ask someone who was born on a Saturday to check out anyone you are
wondering about. People born on this day of the week can tell vampires
just by looking at them.
*Or they can just look for people in black clothes and dark makeup, right?*
5. Dig up the body of the suspected vampire and check for suspicious
lack of decay, bloodstains around the mouth, open eyes, or extra-long
fingernails. Note that according to a present-day source, novelist
Stephen King, a vampire, unlike someone who happens to be alive but has chosen to fall asleep in a coffin, will have a blood pressure reading of zero over zero.
*Is this before or after the vampire goes kablooey in the sunlight?*
6. Be suspicious of someone who wears only black, looks as if he has
(literally) never seen the sun, and refuses to eat garlic. (Don't count too much on this last sign, however, in light of reports that some modern vampires actually enjoy garlic immensely.)
*duh...what ' d I tell ya?*
1. The well-dressed vampire (male, at least) must flaunt a long black
*The collar must be at least 6 inches high to cover the biggest head*
2. Mirrors are a no-no.
*Find a good makeup artist, ladies*
3. Sharp teeth are a modern invention. Vampires in folklore aren't
*Modern? Haven't we had sharp teeth since before fire?*
4. A coffin, like the cape, is another must. It can be ornate or plain, but in every case it must be lined at the bottom with some dirt from the vampire's original grave.
*Eeewwww, you sleep in the dirt. I prefer my satin sheet waterbed*
5. A castle is a vampire's traditional home, at least in fiction. Vlad the Impaler's castle, perched on a mountaintop above the banks of the Arges River in southern Wallachia, was built as an irregular polygon,
*Would it be nice for this to be true. As soon as you are turned, you are issued a castle to live in! WooHoo! Just make sure it comes with running water!*
cape with stand up collar, and beneath it, white tie and tails.
described as having sharp teeth at all, although Russian vampires
have sharp tongues, which they use to puncture their victims' skin.
with five towers, thick walls to withstand Turkish cannons, and (reportedl) a secret passage leading into the depths of the mountain, to emerge in a cave on the riverside.
1. Can turn into a bat. This may stem from the association of many
*I'm rather shy, but I bite :)*
2. Lives forever if not killed, with no signs of aging. A hard one to prove.
*If it were easy to prove, they wouldn't have killed so many innocent people. Too bad Johnny Cochran wasn't around back then*
3. Can strike you dumb, steal your beauty or strength, and steal milk from nursing mothers.
*And can pluck flying pigs right out of the air!*
4. If a vampire goes undetected for seven years, he or she can move to a place where another language is spoken and become human again; can even marry and have kids, but the kids will all become vampires when they die.
*Wow, Is this why Nick Knight moved around so much?*
5. Can move hand or arm so quickly that you cannot see it, leaving the impression of an abnormally long reach.
*Or maybe they just have long arms, WOW - concept?*
6. Can enter a house through a tiny opening, such as a keyhole. This may be a folkloric reaction to the way germ-borne disease invaded a household.
*Are we being insulted here?*
vampires around the world with shape shifting, or transformation into
animals of various kinds; it may also have to do with the Tibetan Mongols, who worshiped a bat god and may have influenced the Slavs. There is an actual vampire bat, of the family Desmodontidae, but its range is restricted to the tropics of the New World. It doesn't suck blood, but laps it. It is also very shy.
1. Close the mouth of any corpse buried. Better still, stuff the mouth with garlic, coins, or dirt.
*Better yet...Stuff YOUR mouth with those things...We'll won't come anywhere near you. I promise!*
2. Rub windows, doors, keyholes, chimneys, and farm animals with garlic.
*Um...Do they really think we're going to enter FARM ANIMALS? I've never met a vampire named Joe Bob. This also works for delivery men, mail men, Jehova's Witnesses, and nosy neighbors!*
3. Strew thorns, poppy seeds, grains of salt, or grains of rice on the floor in your bedroom; a vampire will be compelled to stop and count every thorn, seed, or grain.
*Math? Yuck...If you want me to count anything you'd better leave a calculator too*
4. Fill any holes by the grave of a vampire with water. The vampire won't be able to get out.
*If a vampire is stupid enough to get stuck in a grave in the first place, he/she deserves a mouth full of dirty water!*
5. Bulid a big fire in the fireplace, and light torches to place outside your home. Vampires hate bright light.
*That is why we invest in RayBans, don't you watch commercials?*
6. Find a big black dog and paint an extra pair of eyes on its forhead. A vampire who sees this dog will be scared away.
*Scared of someone psycho enough to put paint on a dog? Hell Yes - but watch for the humane society...I'd be sure to call them.*
7. If you don't have any rice or thorns or salt to put around your bed, lay out newspapers. Any vampire who can read will have to stop and read every word before moving on to biting you.
*I go out of my way to avoid all of the paper but the movies and comics, and who wants that nasty newsprint residue on thier fingers?*
8. Put a knife made of silver under your pillow.
*Just make sure it has a really long handle, then when everyone is asleep you can take it out and...uh, um....nevermind
9. To prevent a body from becoming vampiric after death, bury it on an island, since vampires cannot cross running water.
*Guess we're safe from Princess Di, the vampire, then, huh?*
1. The most famous method is to drive a stake through the heart. An aspen stake is preferable, and it is best to pound it homewith the flat of a shovel. Other acceptable woods are ash, hawthorn, maple, or blackthorn. Thorns, nails, or red-hot iron bars will also do. The stake can be driven into the navel rather than the heart. The original notion was to pin the soul to the body, but these days it is generally accepted that a staked vampire dissolves into dust in seconds.
*Well...as long as it's generally accepted...Uh...Who the hell accepted red-hot iron bars? Hunt him down and kill him. Quickly!*
2. In addition to staking, wash the corpse with boiling wine or fill the coffin with garlic or poppy seeds.
*Isn't this a bit of overkill?*
3. Cremation is another excellent method of killing the undead. A vampire in Bohemia, staked in the 1300s, didn't die but instead remarked how nice it was to have a stick to use in defending himself against stray dogs. He finally had to be burned.
*Everyone knows a vampire comedian cannot be trusted*
4. Cut off the vampire's head, preferably with a sword, or else with the shovel belonging to a grave digger or sexton. Then stuff the severed head with garlic.
*Yuck! Be sure to wear your rain coat and bring a vomit bag. This could get sticky....*
5. Dig the vampire up and bury it again, but this time at a crossroads. In some locals, however, crossroads don't keep restless spirits or vampires from straying but instead set them free. Be sure to ask about local custom.
*And watch that border crossing...it could be hell. Remember the nose plugs. Buried corpses tend to ripen. Uh... or so I hear.... *
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