Chapter Eight:

Nearly twenty-four hours after Riker's conversation with the admiral, the Enterprise had sent several more probes through wormhole pockets. Stellar Cartography was actively designing new star maps. Even though they had no guarantees that they would ever travel to the points they were mapping, enthusiasm ran high on the Enterprise.

Deanna wished she could feel some of the excitement surrounding her. Only a sense of doom continued to plague her despite her husband's pampering. He cleaned, planned their meals, and listened when she needed to voice her uncertainties. They were in the middle of their dinner when the annunciator sounded.

"Enter," the Klingon said, annoyed.

Riker stepped inside, looking rather grim. "I'm sorry to disturb your privacy," he said, "but this really can't wait. I received a communication from Admiral Wilson a few minutes ago."

"What is it?" Troi asked expectantly. She dropped her fork and the metal clinked sharply against her glass.

"I thought I better tell you personally, Deanna." He paused to fix her with a look of sympathy. "Several ours ago, the Lexington found the remains of the Stargazer only one-point-five light years outside the Neibolu Sector. I'm sorry." The last came out as a croak. Was he sorry for her? Himself? The captain must set an example for his crew he reminded himself, but at that moment, a tear rolled down his cheek, catching in his beard.

The counselor stood up from the table to wander aimlessly around the room. She needed motion to control her thoughts. She felt her baby awaken, kicking vigorously against her rib cage. Concentrate on the little one, she told herself. Just think......this isn't happening!

"There's little doubt that the collapsed wormhole in the Neibolu Sector directly caused her destruction," Riker added.

Worf abandoned his meal, joining his wife by the viewwindow. "Darling," he said, vainly trying to comfort her. She couldn't think clearly, didn't know what to do from one moment to the next. She just did, pacing back and forth and not thinking, trapped in a kind of empathic oblivion.

"Counselor, are you all right?" Riker asked.

His use of her title nearly fell deafly on her ears and she chose not to acknowledge the formality. "I'm fine," she replied quickly, hearing herself say the words, but knowing how hollow they sounded. Finally, she stopped pacing and took a deep breath. "I need time. That's all. Why didn't we have enough time? If only there were more time."

Her words hit Riker squarely in the gut. If only he weren't under strict orders not to divulge anything about the alien time technology. "Jean-Luc and Beverly, they knew how you felt about them."

"Yes. I had so much more I wanted to share with Beverly." She accepted her husband's embrace, crying freely on his shoulder. After several seconds, she pulled free and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. "Captain, I'd like to request a few off-duty days. I don't think I'm in any condition to counsel others."

"Permission granted, of course. The Ming Jung will be arriving in this sector in sixteen hours. As your captain, I am giving you, and anyone else aboard this ship who wish it, permission to board the Ming Jung and accompany its crew to Earth for the ceremony being held in ten days in honor of the Stargazer crew."

"Sir," the security chief said, "surely you cannot spare me for that long."

"Worf, this investigation is proceeding so slowly that I would say Data, Geordi and I could almost handle it by ourselves."

"But security. . .sir, if I may be so bold. Are you not being a bit overly optimistic? We cannot predict when or where an emergency will present itself. I should remain aboard."

"I'm sure you could find at least two or three security officers who you feel are capable of taking charge during your absence--ones who could handle the hypothetical emergency you speak of."

"Of course, sir--And, thank you, sir."

Deanna walked closer to the captain, coming out of her depression enough to realize how deeply this effected him, too. "Will, I only wish you could attend the ceremony," she said. "You and Captain Picard were so close."

Riker nodded, thoughtfully. "As captain of this vessel, I do not have the liberty to abandon her--even for a short while. I will find time to mourn in my own way--and to say goodbye to our friends. I wish you a safe trip, and Deanna, get plenty of rest--that's an order." He turned and exited.

Worf came again to his wife and clutched her forearms. She leaned against him, trying to relax in his reassuring arms. Would pain remain her constant companion? She had her husband. She had her baby. For them, she needed to move on. In time, she would.

*****

Captain's Personal log, Stardate 49672

Over three hundred crew members will be transporting over to the Ming Jung to take an extended trip to Earth. Many have expressed sympathy to me over the loss of Captain Picard, Dr. Beverly Crusher and the rest of the crew aboard the Stargazer. Some are making plans to visit family they have not seen in months or even years. At times like this, I wish I had family to fall back on. But I have my remaining crew. Data, Geordi, even Dr. Selar, they serve as my family now.

*****

Aboard the Ming Jung, as it warped farther and farther away from the wormhole, Troi began to relax and enjoy the entertainment available on the older ship. A part of her was desperately relieved that they were leaving the Enterprise behind. She wanted no part of that wormhole. The realization frightened her. Never before in all her years of duty as a Starfleet officer had she felt so willing to abandon a mission.

On the second day of their journey, she contacted her mother, and Lwaxana agreed to meet them on Earth. The limitations on travel above warp speed five had never really bothered Deanna--until now. She needed her mother to help her through the grieving process. When they finally arrived on Earth , greeted by Lwaxana, Deanna collapsed into her mother's arms, emotions flowing freely from her.

"There, there, dear, let it all out," Lwaxana said telepathically as she caressed her daughter's hair.

"This isn't happening," Deanna sent back to her. How could it be? Captain Picard was undefeatable. After coming back from Borg assimilation and still able to command a starship, Picard could not be taken down so easily!

As they ventured toward the private quarters provided to Worf and Deanna by Starfleet Headquarters, Lwaxana kept her arm wrapped around her daughter's waist. Worf lagged behind slightly, allowing mother and daughter time to comfort each other. After their personal belongings had been put away, Worf asked Alexander if he would like to take a tour of the grounds, offering the women some time alone. The boy eagerly agreed.

"I can't believe this is happening," Deanna cried onto her mother's shoulder. "I always looked toward Captain Picard as invincible. Nothing could harm him. Others died around us, but Picard continued on."

"Jean-Luc was a very strong and powerful man," Lwaxana agreed, "but unfortunately, he was a mortal man--mortal like the rest of us." Lwaxana, herself, could barely hold in the tears any longer. She had continued to fancy the astute captain over the years, though he'd never shown any interest in her. "I understand your need for denial, Little One. I've gone through it myself many times. We lose loved ones. It's a fact of life. There's no shame in allowing yourself to feel grief. You know, despite his stubbornness, I truly cared for your former captain."

"I know you did, Mother. And Beverly, my dear friend--I had hoped to ask her to become my baby's godmother."

For a long while, neither woman said any more, just holding on to one another, offering each other comfort.

*****

The ceremony for the Stargazer crew was held two days later outside at the park grounds facing Starfleet Headquarters. At least fifteen hundred chairs were set up in expectation of a large crowd. Every chair was filled with even a few people left standing. Since Admiral Wilson gave a special commemoration for each member of the lost crew, the ceremony was quite long. Yet none of the onlookers seemed to mind as morning slipped into afternoon. Family members were presented with plaques, letting them know that although their loved ones were gone, they would not soon be forgotten.

The Rozhenko's had managed to find a seat relatively close to the front. Deanna had known only a few other officers aboard the Stargazer besides Picard and Beverly, but she felt a deep sense of loss as Admiral Wilson uttered each of their names. They were all sentient beings with their own families and friends.

When the ceremony finished, one by one, mourners were permitted to walk up to the large plaque set up in the crew's memory. In the near vicinity, were other plaques placed in honor of other lost crews. Deanna and Worf lingered for a long while at the Stargazer's plaque. Rubbing her fingers along the engraving that stated Captain Jean-Luc Picard had been the commanding officer, Deanna fought against another outburst of tears. Below his name, in smaller letters, were the names of his senior staff.

Afterward, she, Worf, Alexander, and Lwaxana walked along the grounds, remembering those ships and crews lost before the Stargazer. So many lives lost over the years, and they were not even at war.

"I knew I could find you here," a woman in a large fedora said. She raised her head and under the brim of her hat, Deanna saw Guinan staring back at her, a soft smile playing at her lips. "We need to talk before you leave."

Guinan and Deanna went for a walk along the sidewalk that surrounded Starfleet Headquarters, while Worf and Alexander left to admire models of old spacecrafts at a nearby museum.

After they'd gone several paces, Guinan said, "I know you're considering asking for an extended leave of absence." How did she know this? Deanna had not even discussed it with Worf yet. "Don't. You must return to the Enterprise. Whatever force is out there, it will affect you and your baby profoundly, but it must occur."

"I don't understand, " Deanna said. " Why is so much suffering necessary? Stress is not good for the baby. I'm a counselor, not a scientists. Why should my presence be required during the ongoing investigation?" Guinan had always had a strange knowledge of the universe, but right now she was downright spooky.

"As I told you when we last met, this will be a time of awakening--" She raised her hand to her mouth in sudden realization. " Perhaps more for your unborn child than you. "

"In what way? I need you to give me a clearer idea of what's happening. Why is it so urgent that we allow this to happen?"

Guinan stopped and grasped Deanna by the arms. "Imagine, being the parent of Christopher Columbus, or Albert Einstein, or Stephen Hawkins." She paused for effect. "Now, put yourself in those shoes. Allow this to happen and your child will be destined for greatness."

Deanna laughed nervously. "Every parent wishes greatness for their child. But Guinan, not everyone is destined to make history. I will love this child no matter what he or she becomes or accomplishes. "

With a knowing smile, Guinan nodded at the soon-to-be mother's words. "I have spoken my peace and won't press the issue. You will make your own decisions. Have a safe journey and tell Will hello for me." With that, she headed back in the direction they had come from.

*****

Inside his ready room, Captain William Riker stared pensively out his viewwindow at the stars as his former captain so often used to do. He tried to imagine how Jean-Luc Picard would react if their positions were reversed. Would he have insisted on postponing this mission and attending the ceremony? Probably not, Riker mused. He would have wanted to deal with the loss alone, Just as I am doing now. Riker smiled thinly, and without shame, allowed a tear to flow down his cheek. "Good bye, Jean-Luc," he said, his voice sounding hollow to him.

He turned away from the window and glanced at his console. He had left data collected from the last probe on its screen. Realizing he could stare at it for hours and not make any new discoveries, Riker instructed the computer to exit the program. He then stepped out of his office, to join Data and Geordi in Ten-Forward.

He found his chief engineer and first officer sitting at a table beside a window. "May I join you?" he asked.

"Of course," they replied almost in unison. Data pointed to the chair positioned in between him and La Forge and Riker sat down in it.

For a long moment, they stared silently out the window, until the android said, his voice nearly choking, "This is harder to deal with than I ever imagined. It is moments like this that make me wish I had never obtained emotions."

"Data, Geordi," the captain said, not looking away from the stars, "I order you to remain off-duty for the rest of the day. The wormhole will still be here tomorrow."

"Only if you give yourself the same order," La Forge coaxed.

"Agreed." Riker nodded and waved the bartender over. "We'd like a round of Earl Grey tea."

"Hot, please," Data added.

"Coming right up," the bartender replied and turned to fill the order.

The threesome remained in Ten-Forward throughout the afternoon, sipping tea, and reminiscing about various missions they had had aboard the previous Enterprise.

"Those were the good old days," Geordi remarked before they parted ways for the evening.

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