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The Enterprise-E is a nova-class starship with thirty-six decks, 1138 crewmen and their families. At any given time, there are as many as three hundred passengers being transported from one world to another. The Enterprise by its own right is a small city, from its hierarchical structure to its close-knit families. For loyal officers, there's job security and during off-duty time, the nova-class starship is equipped with six holodecks for entertainment. Anyone could be happy living on such a prestigious starship.
Why aren't I?
Many friendships have formed and romances begun aboard the Enterprise. Captain Riker has even performed a couple wedding ceremonies. I've attended these and many other social events during my thirteen years aboard this starship and although I'm sometimes able to enjoy the moment, I continue to find little satisfaction with my life.
Why?
Data continues to correspond with me from Earth, offering his tutelage from afar. In return, I've agreed to not hide away inside my quarters or on the holodeck. He's asked that I spend time exploring the ship and trying out new activities. I've participated in racquet ball, swimming, the theater group, and helped out in the science lab and stellar cartography. I know Data wants me to make new friends, but he doesn't realize how indifferent people can be toward someone who has accepted life into the Continuum.
Data is my only friend.
Except Q. And I haven't seen him since I told him to give me time to think over my decision. I hope he doesn't think I need a century to muse. In the months he's given me, I've come no closer to a decision than on the day he made the offer. Could I really be a great influence among the Q? I don't understand how a girl who has only lived thirteen years could persuade beings who have been around for several millennia.
So I've stayed away from the Continuum.
Although I've received several messages from Akodian diplomats beseeching me to reconsider their offer, I always decline. I don't wish to spend my life playing their puppet. They argue that the ambassadorial position would provide me with great prestige throughout the galaxy. Do I want to become everyone's icon?
So I've begun ignoring the Akodians also.
I have only the universe in which I was born (or created, as Q claims) to consider. As well intended as my parents are, they don't truly know how to make me happy. They've tried to remain alert to my needs, although sometimes I sense they feel more as though I'm too demanding. Mother believes I'm fickle and there are times when I agree with her. When will I ever know what I want?
And so I trod through this starship looking for the insight that will set my game plan into motion.
Normally when I work in the science lab, I'm supervised by a Vulcan named Lieutenant Commander Veros. Since Vulcans don't allow emotions to impair their lives, Veros is one of the few people who tolerate me. he approaches me at the door to inform me, " I have been ordered to participate in an away mission. You will be working with Ensign Raymond Gaunt today."
A young man, barely out of the Academy, is standing behind the Vulcan with his hands behind his back. He is linking lanky and stands a good foot over Veros' head. Eyeing me suspiciously, he is apprehensive about being alone with me. He's never met me and has only been aboard the Enterprise for a couple of weeks, but he was probably informed about my reputation within hours of arriving. I will have to find a way to put him at ease if I am to work well with him. Smiling awkwardly, I wipe my sweaty palms against my jump suit. Why am I so worried about this boy's reaction of me. He's like everyone else on this ship. He is a little cuter than most, though.
Veros turns toward his subordinate and Gaunt immediately takes a more appropriate stance. "Ensign, I trust you will leave your feelings out of today's work and assist Miss Rozhenko, treating her with the utmost respect."
Gaunt clears his throat and responds, "Of course, sir. You will have a complete report upon your return."
"Very well. You may begin analyzing the plant specimens brought aboard by yesterday's away team. You are dismissed." The Vulcan commander walks away from us and after picking up a carrying case, he steps out of the science lab.
" Follow me, Miss Rozhenko," the ensign says, briskly moving across the lab. I have to practically run with my shorter legs to keep up with him. " You can call me Shannara," I insist. Others have referred to me I titles before. In fact, Veros has rarely called me by my first name, and although that has never bothered me, I want indefinitely for Ensign Raymond Gaunt to call me by my familiar. If only he would, maybe he'd allow himself to really get to know me instead of my reputation. " I don't like titles. They make me sound so--proper."
He glances back at me and we nearly by. "We wouldn't want anyone thinking you proper." His sarcasm makes me suddenly doubt my ability to win his respect. Why can't I find anyone who likes me when I've been going out of my way to try to like them? I have done nothing to harm anyone aboard the Enterprise and would do anything to make their lives easier if they'd only let me. That's why I've volunteered my assistance in this lab and stellar cartography. Since I am not permitted to use my powers of the Q, I instead plod didn't through hours of mundane work.
We sit down and he methodically explains what to look for in the current project. Our mission is to scan for traces of barimen and extract the needed chemical. It is a delicate process. If the plant is not brought to exactly 49.2 degrees Celsius, the barimen cannot be extracted and its molecular structure collapses. After nearly three hours, our work has met with little success. "I don't think we'll ever get enough this way," I say.
"For someone who's supposed to be so superior, you have a defeatist attitude."
"Maybe that's because I know a much superior way to accomplish this. Why should I accept such tedious work?" My nostrils flare and I feel my cheeks growing flush. I clench and unclench my fists, trying to rid myself of the anger swelling inside me. I can't make friends by lashing out at people!
"If that's how you feel, then why do you bother volunteering for lab work. You know, I worked my butt off at the Academy, trying to get a little recognition. I'm one of the lucky few assigned to the Enterprise. You were born here and have no appreciation for what the flag ship of the Federation represents."
"I'm sorry," I say. "You are absolutely right. I've handled our first meeting poorly."
He is surprised by my reaction and I sense that he is feeling dubious. "Your kind never admit to being wrong." How do I convince him otherwise when he believes in stereotypes?
"I may be a Q now, but I've never made friends or interacted well with others. Maybe that's because I was taken out of a regular classroom at an early age and tutored by an android. The adults who care for me are trying to rectify that by getting me involved with ship's activities."
"The *adults* who care for you! If that's how you refer to your parents, with so little affection, maybe that's why no one wants to be your friend."
"I didn't only mean my parents; I meant Data and Captain Riker as well. Forget I tried to make you understand. I'll leave you alone to your lab work and find something else to occupy my day."
He moves aside, almost too eagerly, to let me past him. Almost reaching the exit, I instinctively turn back around. Gaunt has walked away from his lab table to speak with another first-year ensign, a brunette Bajoran girl. "Are you going to the party in Ten-Forward tonight?" he asks her.
"Of course," she replies. "I wouldn't miss the chance to dance all night and show off my legs."
I roll my eyes and wonder what's so special about this other girl that he likes her better than me. With a flick of my wrist, I use the power of the Q to fill the beaker with barimen. Let Gaunt chew on that for a while. Smirking, I leave the lab and wander around the ship. I pretend I'm invisible and spy on conversations. The main topic of the day is this party be held in Ten-Forward. Although children are not supposed to go to Ten-Forward unless accompanied by an adult, I'm not exactly the average child and therefore see no reason why I shouldn't make plans to attend the party. With that intention in mind, I head toward my quarters to select the perfect dress for the occasion. After I step onto the turbolift and instruct the computer on my destination, my commbadge chirps.
" Captain Riker to Shannara."
" Yes, what is it?" I ask, knowing the news can't be good. The captain rarely pages me.
"I need to see you in my ready room right away." His tone sounds angry and as I probe his feelings, I realize he is disappointed.
"I'm on my way."
A minute later, I step onto the bridge for the second time. I turn toward Father sitting at the command center. Data should be there; my Father at tactical. Scanning all the bridge officers, I sense disappointment from them as well. More and more each day, I feel as though I'm no longer one of them. I reside in this city called the Enterprise, but I am an outcast. This is not who I planned to be or wanted to do with my life.
If I only knew what I wanted.
I step inside the captain's ready room to find him standing and staring out his viewwindow. He seems so intent on his thoughts that I'm not sure he heard me enter. As I approach him, however, he glances quickly at you me to acknowledge my presence than returns his gaze to the stars.
"I've known your parents for over twenty years," he tells me. "You should know that the respect and trust I feel for them runs deeply. Since you are their daughter, I've extended that same trust freely to you. I asked you not to use the power of the Q and I tug you on your word that you wouldn't."
"The barimen," I realize aloud. I hadn't given it a second thought since leaving the science lab. "What did I hurt? You need the chemical for medicine. I may have save hundreds of lives today. You should be grateful."
"If you use this ability again, I will have to bring the matter to the attention of Starfleet Headquarters."
"Understood. Am I dismissed now?"
"For now."
I turn and as I walk out and across the bridge, I meet no one's gaze. Father will undoubtedly want to have a long talk with me this evening. Not giving up on a battle is imbedded into his character, though I don't understand why he believes he will ever change my mind. Anyway, I plan not to be home by the time he gets off duty. As soon as I have a dress picked out, I'll be attending the party.
As I walk down the corridor, I imagine what I will look like in a formal dress now that I am almost fully developed. I unzip my jump suit a couple of inches and shake my hips as I stroll toward my quarters. A couple ensigns stop as a notice me and I smile flirtatiously at them. They shake their heads, laugh and continue on their way. Who needs them? I think. There's plenty others like them on board this ship.
When I step into my quarters, I'm surprised to see Mother home already. "Your brother's not feeling well," she explains. "So I let him come home early from school."
She doesn't know about the incident in the science lab, I realize as I gently probe her mind. With relief, I quickly plan out how to use this to my advantage. " I'm sorry to hear that. I was invited to participate in a new play tonight, but if you need me to stay home and help you care for him--"
"No Shannara." I knew she'd refuse my offer. " You need to make friends."
"All right. I better find a dress for the part." As I step into my room, I smile about how perfectly this is working out for me. Now I can choose an elegant evening gown for the party without Mother becoming suspicious. There is nothing appropriate in my closet, of course, so I sit down at my console and instruct the computer to present a slide show of dresses currently in vogue.
After I select one that I believe will make me look older, I venture back out into the living area to replicate the design in blue. Fortunately, Mother is in Eric's room and not hovering over my shoulder to criticize my selection. However, as a precaution, I also replicate a long jacket to wear over the evening gown until I arrive at the party.
I spend the next half hour getting ready, primping my hair and selecting appropriate jewelry. Although I am not completly satisfied with the results, I walk away from my mirror with enough confidence to get me through the night. Father will be home soon and I don't wish for him to see me dressed like this. After the science lab fiasco, I doubt he would believe my lie as easily as Mother did.
Mother and Eric are sitting on the sofa when I re-enter the living area and I'm glad I thought to wrap a jacket over my arms. I pull it in around my chest to cover the low neckline. "I take it you're feeling better," I say to my brother as I approach them. I concentrate on behaving naturally, because I don't want Mother to sense any trepidation from me.
Eric shrugs and leans into Mother's ribs. He must be sick, because he has never been one to sit around for long.
"Are you nervous?" Mother asks me.
"What?" I can't believe she's seen through my act this easily!
"About the play. It's natural to feel anxious about performing in front of an audience. What did you think I meant?"
"Oh," I say, allowing myself to relax. " We're just learning our lines tonight. There won't be any audience yet." Glancing sideways at the exit door, I add, " I should head out. Don't want to be late on the first night." After Mother nods, I leave.
As I step onto the turbolift, I take a mental note to remember to sign up for a play tomorrow. I better cover all my bases. And uncover my dress, I think with a smirk as I remove my jacket.
The door opens and I step inside Ten-Forward. After handing my jacket to Ernie, a young black bartender, I scan the room. Ernie smiles at me and says, "Enjoy the party," before walking away to greet the next group of guests. Apparently, he believes I'm old enough to attend.
Sauntering toward the middle of the room, I pretend I'm ten years older and all the males are turning their heads to gape at me. They whistle as they look at my bare legs. Their eyes quickly rise up to my thin waistline and then my firm, mature breasts. They like what they see, so one by one they approach me, offering me drinks and sweets. I turn none of their offers down, so as not to hurt any feelings. My parents always say I should be making friends. Then the music starts and offers to dance come pouring in.
"Shannara Rozhenko, what are you doing here?" someone asks, breaking me away from my fantasy. "This isn't a kiddie party."
I turn around to see Raymond Gaunt with the girl he'd been talking to in the lab draped on one arm. "If I'm old enough to work in the science lab and Stellar Cartography, then I have every right to be here."
"Just don't turn anyone into a toad or zap us to another universe by mistake."
The brunette laughs nervously and I fix her with an evil eye before they briskly walk away from me. No one else approaches me and I feel like an idiot, standing in the middle of the room in a skimpy dress. I feel naked.
Walking over to the bar, I consider asking Ernie to return my jacket. I sit down on a stool in front of him. "Not enjoying the party?" he asks.
"No one wants anything to do with me. I thought by dressing up they'd treat me differently. It was a mistake coming here tonight."
Ernie leans toward me. "Maybe your mistake wasn't made tonight. If you want to stay here on the Enterprise, then perhaps you shouldn't have proclaimed your loyalties to another. No one likes a traitor."
I muse over this for a moment, unable to respond. Although I understand, I couldn't imagine going back to the static life of my early childhood. I need the Q and everything the Continuum represents.
"Shannara!" I hear Mother yell and I turn to see her rushing angrily toward me. "This is your play!"
How the hell did she find out? I barely have time to wonder before she reaches me. "I can explain," I protest as she yanks me off the bar stool.
"Where's your jacket?" Ernie ducks down to search underneath the bar and a moment later, comes back up with my jacket. Mother drapes it over my shoulders and ushers me out of Ten-Forward. Looking at the floor, I'm too embarrassed to meet anyone's stare.
We step onto the turbolift and Mother orders it to take us to Deck 8. "How could you?" Mother says near tears. "After everything I've said and done for you, you continue to betray me. I've loved you unconditionally, but I don't know how to handle you anymore."
I used to be so close to Mother. When did this rift between us become irrevocable? Staring at her, I bite at my lower lip unable to put into words what I am feeling. Picking up on this, Mother grabs me and hugs me fiercely.
"Please, come back to us, Shannara!"
"I--" The turbolift door opens before I have the chance to tell her that I love her and want more than anything to be close to her again.
Taking my hand, she escorts me back to our quarters where Father is waiting for us. He is pacing the length of the sofa and muttering in anger. I pull away from Mother and fearlessly approach him. If he tries to punish me, he will be sorry. I let him know this by placing my hands on my hips and fixing him sternly.
"What did I do wrong?" he asks.
The question takes me by surprise. Instead of on the defense, he's placed me on the offense and for all my wisdom, I don't know how to respond. "Nothing. I'm the one who's caused all the trouble. You should hate me like everyone else." I glance at Mother to include her. "I think I'd feel less guilty if you did."
"How can you say that?" Mother explains. "You're our daughter. We can start fresh tonight if you're willing to make an effort."
"Stop pretending anything is going to change, Deanna," Father yells. " We've both tried to convince her. Riker has tried. We are defenseless to Q's onslaught." Never have I heard Father so ready to admit defeat. I watch horrified as he crumples to the sofa and covers his face with his hands. His fingers quickly grow wet from his tears.
As I cautiously sit on the opposite end of the sofa, I remember a little girl who was once worried about her Father being seen as a beast. That girl had easily expressed her love and affection for him. She seems as much of a stranger to me now as everyone else aboard this ship. " I can't be your little girl anymore."
Father looks at me, his brown eyes turning nearly gray. "Perhaps, it would be best if you spent some time away from your family."
"Worf, what are you saying?" Mother exclaims. "We can't throw out our own flesh and blood."
Father stands and growls, "We must! We cannot allow her to remain in this limbo. Either she chooses her family or she chooses the Continuum. This is no life for any of us."
"He's right," I admit almost inaudibly. "I'm causing you far too much grief. I'll leave tonight. Just give me a chance to say goodbye to Eric. He deserves to understand why his sister's left." I stand and without hesitation move toward my brother's room.
"Worf!" Mother cries out in anguish. "We can't let her go! She's just a little girl." I glance back toward them to see Father holding her back. " How will she survive without our guidance?"
I shrug at this. Like any self-respecting Q, I muse and enter my brother's room. He is lying in bed reading a data story, but sets his data padd aside when he hears me.
"I've come to say goodbye," I tell him. Pulling his desk chair closer to his bed, I sit down beside him.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm not sure exactly yet. Away for a while. I need time to sort through everything that has happened to me, and Mother and Father need time to deal with it."
"But if you just sit down and talk, can't you work it out?"
"I wish it were that simple." I lean forward and kiss Eric across his ridges. "I'll miss you, little brother." Turning away before he can say any more to change my mind, I quickly exit his room.
Mother and Father are hugging in front of the viewwindow and I meet Mother's anguished gaze. Wishing to end her pain, I say, " I'm sorry. This will only take another minute." I can't tell either of them why I must return to my room one last time. The sentimentality would be too much for them to bear.
I open my bottom dresser drawer and retrieve something very old and scraggly, the stuffed dog Captain Riker gave to me for my second birthday. When I was younger, I used to sleep with it every night. It will remind me of the captain. I grab my away bag from out of the closet and slip the dog inside.
Next, I think about Data and look longingly at Sam and Al. I wish I could take them with me, but they probably wouldn't survive the journey. Instead, I grab my data padd and toss it into the bag.
As I'm contemplating what to bring along to remember my parents by, I notice a message flashing on my console. Who in the galaxy would want to contact me? Sitting down at my desk, I bring up the message. I'm surprised to find Grandma Lwaxana talking to me.
"Hello dear. It's been too long since we saw each other. Your Mother and I have been discussing your situation--now don't be angry with her. She doesn't know that I'm sending you this message. Right now, I imagine you're dealing with a tremendous amount of loathing and degradation from those around you. Don't let yourself believe as they do. No matter what, I still love you."
My tears splash onto the desk as Grandma details why her love for me will never fade. "My love does not care who you are or who you become. My love does not care where you are or how long we've been apart." She pauses and alters the subject slightly when she resumes. "I'd like you to spend a few months on Betazed with me. It would give you and your parents a chance to distance yourself from your conflicts. If you agree, I can make arrangements within the week to pick you up on a small passenger ship. Oh Shannara, please say 'yes'. We could have so much fun." She smiles sweetly. "Have a pleasant night, dear. I'll see you soon."
As the transmission fades into black, I look at my away bag. I'll still need it, of course, but perhaps my destination has changed. "Computer, begin subspace message addressed to Lwaxana Troi on Betazed. Grandma, thank you for your offer. I accept gratefully! Please come for me at once. Computer, save transmission and send."
*****
My parents accompany me to Transporter Room 1. Nothing is said between us, but I sense ambivalence from both of them. They are relieved to be rid of me for a while and at the same time, they will miss me tremendously.
"Ready for transport, sir," the transporter technician says.
"Energize, " Father says, nodding.
A moment later, Grandma Lwaxana appears on the transporter pad. As she moves toward us, she extends her arms to take both Mother and I into a hug. " Deanna, I'll take good care of her." She releases her grip on Mother and offers a hand to me. Hand in hand, Grandma and I step onto the transporter pad. "Don't worry, dear. I'll keep her out of trouble."
"Oh, you will?" I say, smirking as the transporter beam takes us away from the Enterprise.
